In Defense of Umbroisotopes

My Fellow Scientists,

I read with great consternation the recent letter by Mr. James Roland McQuay concerning Umbroradiation poisoning from U-Particle exposure. None of my Experiments with U-Particles suggested any sort of hazard to living tissue, even with prolonged exposure. However, I was unable to determine the threat inherent in extended U-Particle exposures lasting hundreds of years or longer, as there were no existing records of such lengthy exposures to living beings. Until now, that is.

Having poured over Mr. McQuay's original Paradigma Online article on the U-Particle Heat Thrust Engine and subsequent letter of warning about its potentially dangerous side-effects, I now believe that I have discovered the reason for Mr. McQuay's illness.

In his engaging article "U-Particle Heat Thrust", Mr. McQuay spoke of both increasing the velocity of the U-Particle and altering its trajectory into a circular orbit through the engine's fuel mass. I will now show why doing so might produce the symptoms typical to radiation poisoning. As the U-Particle's velocity increased, its penetrating power increased as well. I believe that it was this heightened penetrative power as well as their dual terrestrial/Umbral nature that allowed some U-Particles to escape the heat engine. Ordinarily, this would not have posed a problem, given the U-Particle's extremely low natural power. The U-Particle's forced circular orbit also was not dangerous, in and of itself. However, in combination with the increased penetrative power of its energized state, when a U-Particle did escape, its circular orbit quickly decayed into an almost infinitely tight corkscrew as it left the engine. This resulted in each escaping U-Particle passing through the engine's user (and indeed, any other nearby living being) for an amount of time equal to that of thousands of exposures to an ordinary, unaltered U-Particle. Quite simply, the combination of increased power and tight spiral trajectory made Mr. McQuay the first known living being to suffer the equivalent of several centuries of continual Umbroisotopic exposure, the effects of which appear to mimic those of common radiation poisoning.

While Mr. McQuay's illness is of course regrettable, it is of interest to note the extreme conditions required to make the U-Particle dangerous to living tissue. It therefore lends credence to my Theory of the U-Particle's safety under everyday circumstances. It is my firm belief that, once Mr. McQuay recovers fully, he will be able to use this information to develop engine core shielding sufficient to prevent further recurrences of Umbroradiation poisoning. Mr. McQuay has put forth some intriguing ideas thus far, and it is my hope at this time that he does not allow this minor setback to deter him from further Experimentation in this or any other Scientific field.

Dr. Dystopia

April 9, 2000
 
 

2000 Derek D. Bass

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