Swiss Army Spam
             
             
              The Time: The 1980's.
              The Place: A small town in Arkansas.
              The Event: A lone farmer returns from the jungles of Beirut as the lone survivor of a holiday vacation trip.
               
            Farmer: Well, it was horrible. We got on the plane thinkin' we were goin' to Disneyworld. Imagine our surprise when we were told we were about to crash-land in enemy territory. We were lost for weeks, with nothing but my handy-dandy Swiss Army Spam to survive on. We ate the kids first, then the old folks who couldn't run fast enough to get away from us, and then finally it was just me. I can easily say that without Swiss Army Spam, there would have been no way I could have made that smoke signal. And when that didn't work, it helped me build a titanium steel bridge from some girders and steel cable I found lying around in the jungle in order to reach the nearest shore of the good ol' U.S. of A.

            Interviewer: Yes, folks, there you have it. Real life testimony from real people in real foreign countries. And this farmer whom we shall call Mr. S is living proof of the value of owning Swiss Army Spam. Swiss Army Spam is a true monument to today's technology with over two-hundred high-tech features, including toothpicks, a flamethrower, and good old American Spam. And just listen to some of the uses for your new Swiss Army Spam...
             

              1. Use it as a keyring.
              2. Use it to ward off evil spirits.
              3. Use it to remind yourself how fortunate you are that you own Swiss Army Spam, while others do not.
              4. Use it as plastic explosives.
              5. Use it to build titanium steel bridges.
              6. You can even eat it if it still seems clean enough.
               
            In fact, 95,462 out of 105,794 Arkansas farmers now use Swiss Army Spam in their normal, everyday lives.

            Farmer: Yes, Swiss Army Spam is neat, and I think that everyone should use it.

            Interviewer: Um, thank you, Mr. S, for those warm words of praise. Well, that's about all the time we have, so I have just one more sentence. Spam is good for many things it's only $59.95 it's streamlined for speed and everyone should buy it so I can get paid and we'll leave you with this musical interlude, Maestro...
             
            (Monty Python's "Spam Song" plays at this point...)
             

             

            I wrote this little piece in 1989 for a mandatory high school Consumer Studies class, for a section on advertising. In groups, we had to decide upon a product, write up a commercial and perform it in front of the class. I wrote this around midnight on the night before it was due, borrowing ever so slightly from both Monty Python and Douglas Adams, and Jason Smith, Brant Eaton and I performed it the next morning. Extra kudos to Jason for such a great performance as the Arkansas farmer with only five minutes to look over the script before class.
             

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